It's not over until I say it's over (I hope)

Monday, November 18, 2013

Blog Five: It’s not over until I say it’s over (I hope)

            In the beginning of my experience with this Burmese family I was not quite sure what to expect.  Although I am still not sure what to expect, I have learned that it is more about the journey (or the process) than the end result.  Moving to a new country, diving into a culture not of your own, is a process that I will never completely understand.  Instead of trying to do so I am going to do my best to help this family with their process.  Along the way I hope that I can continue to be a resource for them in any way needed.

            Throughout the journey thus far I have noticed several themes within our visits together.  The differences between their culture, collectivistic, and our culture, individualistic, seem pretty obvious.  Without knowing that within a collectivistic culture their goals include their entire family it looks like they are just being more kind, or sticking together.  Within the study of communications, though, I was able to pick out certain behaviors that followed these guidelines. 

            Through a communication studies lens I have noticed that I often use the perception process of selection, organization, interpretation, and negotiation to try to organize my thoughts and interpretation of the family and their culture.   Mostly I have noticed a cross-cultural organization to try to compare what I know (American culture) to what I do not (Burmese culture).  In doing so I have noticed that there are several cross cultural similarities.  I saw Micheal (the father) and Aye Mya (the mother) parent their child in the same way that my husband and I did, when they distracted the baby with a toy while trying to take away the ice cream that the baby needed to be done with.  It took a while for them to warm up to me, but once they did they were as friendly as ever.  They also encouraged their children to read and complete tasks just as my husband and I do. 

Through that same lens I was able to notice things about myself as well.  I noticed that I often compared their culture to mine, as though they should adopt my culture.  I never really thought that I would be considered ethnocentric (thinking that my culture, values and beliefs are what they should adopt), but I often found myself thinking that they were lacking or in misfortune if they did not have the things that I do or that others in our collective American culture do. 

This family has taught me some amazing things that I did not know about myself.  I did not know that I would be capable or find a way to interact and communicate with a person who did not speak English.  Not just communicate with them in passing, but to sit and talk for hours.  I did not know that I could be so ethnocentric or that someone from a collectivistic culture could have so many cross cultural similarities.  Going forward I will be continuing my relationship with this family for as long as they will have me.  I have tried to teach them all that they have asked me to (a lot of vocab and some semantics or meanings of words), but I am hoping to learn more from them.  I still strongly believe that everyone has something to teach and look forward to continuing to learn from them.  I also am hoping that I am more aware of my ethnocentrism and believe that the only cure may be to learn of others cultures and more practice.

Party Time!

Saturday, November 9, 2013           

Blog Four: Party Time!

            This week, Ally, a classmate of mine, and I had decided to plan a birthday party for the father, Micheal.  We had shared a children’s book about traditional American birthday parties with them.  A few days later we heard from their World Relief caseworker that they were excited.  We still were unsure what to expect.  Going into it I had really wanted them to enjoy it and I had also wanted them to understand the tradition of making someone feel good on their day.

            With our cake, ice cream, pin the tail on the donkey, party favors (which consisted of Kleenex, chap stick, a small toy, a toothbrush, and some candy), balloons, noise makers, and some paper, markers, scissors, and glue sticks (to make paper chain decorations), we walked into their apartment.  They were excited to see us, as always. Doh Moo (the 12 year old boy) even began to sing, “Happy birthday to you.”  Straight to the living room we went, most likely because we were so worried that they would not enjoy the day that we went to the place that we were the most comfortable.  I was worried that I was pushing my culture onto them, or being ethnocentric.

            We began the party by making the paper chains.  I felt most comfortable showing them how to complete this simple craft because I thought that they could use it for other things as well and for very little cost.  After we began the activity I went into the kitchen to begin baking the cupcakes.  I thought that we could share this fun activity of reading the recipe on the box to make them.  I am not sure if they had used to the oven before or not.  Eh Clare (a family member of theirs who has been in the country for several years and speaks English well) came into the kitchen and he seemed to be the most excited.  This could have been because he understood what we were going to do.  His brother (does not speak as well as his older brother) was excited and just as my own children would do kept asking if they were done (even before we had them in the oven).

            Once I realized that no one was following me into the kitchen I went out into the living room to recruit family members to help.  While I was in the living room Micheal showed me a banner that he was taping to the wall that said, “Happy Birthday Micheal and Anna.”  My birthday was the following week.  How wonderful that they had thought of me enough to make a banner to include me!?  I found Aye Mya (the mother) and Paw Hare (the 14 year old girl) and asked if they wanted to help.  I wondered later if it was because of the traditional role that I play within my family for the woman to cook that I found them or if it was because they were the two that we were not busy decorating.

            While in the kitchen we cracked the eggs, I explained that they were chicken eggs (unknowing if they were aware of that or not) and then started the mixer.  This was everyone’s favorite part.  Although they did not get excited about it as they do when they think that something is amusing they did seem like they had never experienced it before.  The two of them brought others into the kitchen to participate in the mixing.  While the cupcakes were in the oven Aye Mya stayed in the kitchen with me.  Micheal kept coming in to open the oven and look in.  There was so much going on that I did not ask why he kept doing that.  I did wonder if it was because he had never baked anything before.

            While I had been there around Halloween Micheal and Aye Mya had let me know that they were not a big fan of the candy that was handed out.  They said that they had candy where they were from, but it was not as sweet.  This made me worry that when we had cake and ice cream that they would not be thrilled about the sweetness (also another reason why I am worried about inviting them to my house for dinner).  I was wrong!  Everyone loved decorating the cupcakes and really enjoyed the ice cream.  Even Eh Tha Dah Say (the baby) enjoyed the ice cream.  While the baby and Aye Mya were enjoying the ice cream Micheal gave the baby another toy to play with while the mother took the bowl of ice cream and placed it in the kitchen (to have the baby take  a break from it).  I enjoyed this little distraction because my husband and I have done the same thing to our child when she was an infant.  So, I guess distraction or redirection of an infant is cross-cultural, too!

            During the entire party we tried to take pictures.  I did not ask their permission to post the photographs so I will not do that, but during the process I noticed some interesting things.  At the very beginning I was surprised that Micheal brought out a camera.  Kelly, the volunteer organizer had mentioned a family photograph for a gift idea (I had asked what I could get them).  She thought that it would not be likely that they had any pictures of their family.  In taking our photos I noticed that the mother did not smile.  The baby did not smile at all, either.  This was quite interesting because Micheal and their other children smiled.  When my daughter was the age of the baby (18 months) she smiled when someone pointed a camera at her.  I also thought that it was interesting that the oldest daughter, Paw Hare had a facial expression that was between a serious face and a smile.

            At first I thought that this was because of their cultural adaptation process.  I thought that maybe the mother was at a different step in the process than the other family members.  It seemed as though they might be at the assimilation step, where they are taking on the American cultural practices or norms.  The mother may be more at the separation step, in which a person may not want a relationship with the American cultural characteristics.  Looking at it now I am not sure if this is the case or if it is that in their culture the women have more of a quiet, or inferior role, standing behind the males in the family.

            I left the party feeling that I have built a relationship with the family.  I am still feeling that I need to use more of my resources in order to better help/serve the family.  They only have an allotted amount of time in which they receive services from world relief and I am not comfortable saying that, “My time here is done” or that I have helped them in any significant way.  I refuse to give into the idea that I have learned all that I need to of this family and their culture (this is called premature closer).

            Throughout the rest of my experiences with this family I plan to ask more questions to continue my learning experience of the family and their culture, while being mindful that I do not pressure them to behave in the way that an individual in the American culture does.  I want to only help them reduce the stress of living in a different culture.  Hopefully my time with the family will help them reduce their uncertainty avoidance, or avoidance and the stress of the unfamiliar, by having some general knowledge of our traditions and cultural characteristics, which would allow for them to complete the adaptation process with acculturation (retain culture, but adapt aspects) or assimilation (taking on the American culture’s beliefs and social norms).  This would help them feel more like they belong and less like outsiders.

            Feeling a sense of belonging may be a long way off for this family, but I hope that I can help with that process.

Someone Stole Your Elephant!?

Saturday, October 19^th, 2013

Blog Three: Someone Stole Your Elephant!?

            During my visit with the family this week I was alone.  This was a new experience for me because the visits before I had always met someone from the class at their apartment.  I surprised myself though and just got right down to business.  The family and I, sitting on their apartment floor, did our flashcards of some nouns, we went over body parts, read children’s books, and I tried to have a little small talk with them.  I was there for four hours and it felt like less than one.

Going into their home I felt like our relationship is mostly based on me teaching them English, but I am not getting to know the family very well.  I decided to see if I could talk with them more.  The children (they have four kids Paw Hare is 14, Doh Moo is 12, Moo Law La Say is 8, and Eh Tha Dah Say is 18 months) were playing with some animal figurines.  We were discussing the English word for the animals, a tiger, zebra, and an elephant.  I always exaggerate the use my body language (clapping, smiling).  When I saw the elephant, I began to clap and tell them that I love elephants, but have only seen them in the zoo.  They proceeded to inform me that they had one in Thailand and one of their neighbors stole it.  I sat in silence for a moment, completely astounded that they owned an elephant, let alone someone coming and stealing it.  I asked how they stole it, they said that they came while they were sleeping (they used their exaggerated motions to show me they were sleeping).  I tried to put myself in their shoes, looking at me that afternoon on their carpet.  The look on my face was probably quite interesting to them.  Because so many emotions are cross-cultural we were able to understand our excitement of elephants and what emotions may be brought about by thievery.

We went on to discuss the children’s books that I had brought.  One of the books was about a bus trip that some children were having.  We decided to practice their phonics, by taking turns reading out loud.  This seemed very simple for them.  What was not simple was the meaning behind the phrases or the semantics.   Paw Hare read, “They were going on a bus trip”.  This was easy to discuss.  Then, she continued to read, “She was going to be sick.”  The semantics of this is not easy to explain, nor easily understood.  It is a phrase, that like many, English speaking people may take for granted.  When a child learns English they have years to learn it and sayings like this are in context.  This family does have years to learn it, but there is a lot that they have to learn in a very short time in order to communicate effectively with others.

The second book that we read was about the American tradition of a birthday party.  Micheal, the father, had a birthday coming up.  In watching their excitement about the gifts, cake, ice cream, balloons, and decorations the family and I decided to plan a birthday party and have it at their house.  As I mentioned before that some emotions are cross-cultural, I was thankful for this.  It was very clear that they were thrilled about hosting the birthday party at their apartment and I was very excited about their excitement.

If you would have seen me walk to my car on this day you would have noticed that I was very worn out.  In saying my good-byes, as I looked around, they all looked tired too.  What a trying experience for them.  I can try to imagine their position, trying to learn a new language, but I will probably never understand it completely.  I will never understand where they came from and what circumstances that they had to go through to be where they are now.  The elephant was a testament to that.  I can only hope that I will be able to effectively communicate with them someday to try to learn about it.  I also hope that this birthday party allows for more sharing to occur.  Since the first time I met them, my family and I have discussed having them over for dinner.  I am hoping to see if this is even a reasonable question or if I would be crossing boundaries with them.

Introduction to the family: Who knew I was so egocentric?

Saturday, October 12^, 2013

Blog Two: Introduction to the family: Who knew I was so egocentric?

The first day that I met the Kai family went similarly to meeting a new family from the United States.  Kelly the contact from World Relief, Derek, from class, and I sat on the floor of their apartment in the living room.  Everyone took a turn introducing themselves.  After that, things were different.  Kelly led the meeting.  She quizzed them on body parts, letters, colors, nouns, and plural nouns using flashcard and children’s books. 

After two hours of sitting on their floor I felt discouraged.  I felt that they were in need of things, warmer clothes, more furniture, and maybe food.  I felt discouraged that I was supposed to help them and did not really understand how it was that I could help them.  After all, I am going to school to become a counselor, not an English teacher.  As we walked out of their apartment, I asked Kelly if they needed anything because I was going into help mode (thinking of everyone that I knew that had children their ages and might have clothes, furniture and things that I could give them).  She said that she was not sure.  I was shocked; I felt that she should have known if anyone did.  Kelly told me that hopefully there would be someone there that knew a little English that I could ask the next time that I visited.

At the end of my first experience with this new family I felt lost.  I felt uneducated in the ways that they needed me to be educated.  In analyzing my first visit I felt overwhelmed.  In not having shared meanings with this family (we did not speak the same language, we were not from the same cultures), I felt a long way from coming to any sort of effective communication (which is where I believe that I would help them the most).  My perception of them was one of misfortune and need. 

I was wrong.  In looking at my idea of their misfortune I realize that I was not using basic tools for intercultural competence.  In terms of interaction posture, or the ability to interact without judgment, I was not able to do so.  Instead of people whom I have never met before I was placing my ideas of what a family needs onto the family (pretty egocentric of me).  It was not fair of me. 

This family is of Burmese culture, which is a collectivist culture; they do not place value on material things (especially as much as we do).  I was imposing our individualist culture onto them which was not right.  In looking back at the encounter I was surprised on how close in proximity they were to each other.  Their living room is fairly big and we were all still sitting extremely close to each other on the floor, but this family was all touching.  They were leaning, lying on top of each other, and helping one another with their English.  Had this encounter been switched around to my family I can almost guarantee that we would not have been sitting on our living room floor.  We would have been sitting at the dining room table in our own chairs, not touching.  I can only hope that my husband, two daughters and I would be as supportive of each other as they were.

Note: I asked them the next time if they were in need of anything (clothing, food, winter items) they said no. I believed them.